there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
he was CRYING into my vagina
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
