then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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