I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
