im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Randomize
