dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
