I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
