Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
