remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
