I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
