even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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