you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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