just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
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