You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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