I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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