the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
