I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
