Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
