she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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