While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
i think i just lost a toe
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
