there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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