Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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