help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
