what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
