Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
It was confusing and full of hummus
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
