My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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