mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
