I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
