I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
