I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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