My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
How many fucks given?
0.12846
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
