I look better un-naked...
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
sarcasm needs its own font
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
