I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
