I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
