Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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