Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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