Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
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