plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
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