i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
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