when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
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