Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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