Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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