I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
i black out too much to be "responsible"
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
PANTIES FOUND
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