My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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