Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
