So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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