If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I want her autograph on my taint
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
