to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
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