i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I wish there were birth control emojis
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
