Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
