Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Randomize
