Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
