I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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