I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
organizing the empties. That sober.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
