There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
