I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
