She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
